Support Free Enterprise: Privatize the Royal Family

The headline glared at me from the magazine rack by the cardio machines: “Royal Romance in Ruins”. Apparently the course of true love is not running smooth for Prince William and Kate Middleton.

There was a time when the Royal Family actually ruled England. In those days, Kings like Henry II codified the laws and institutionalized trial by jury. Queens like Elizabeth I inspired the nation to fight its enemies. But the authority of the Royal Family ebbed after a German immigrant who couldn’t speak English was crowned George I in 1714. Today, George’s descendents in the House of Windsor are primarily in the entertainment business.

Unfortunately, the business is not profitable; it survives on government bailouts. Each year the British taxpayers subsidize the royal family to the tune of £7.9 million via the Civil List.

Over the decades, the Windsors certainly provided the public with moments of high drama. Elizabeth II’s branch of the family had a spectacular debut in 1937. Her uncle, Edward VIII fell in love with Wallis Warfield Simpson, who, as an American and a divorcee, was an unacceptable Queen to the British public. Rather than give up his beloved, Edward abdicated, clearing the way for Elizabeth’s father, George VI, to ascend the throne. During the Battle of Britain, free people marveled at the family’s courage when George’s Queen (also Elizabeth) was advised to send her daughters out of the country for their safety. “The princesses will never leave without me,” she said. “I will not leave without the King. And the King will never leave." A generation later, Americans woke up at five in the morning and turned on their TVs to watch the fairy tale wedding of Prince Charles to Diana Spencer.

But the show definitely jumped the shark after that. The cast is aging and the plotlines have grown stale. Prince Charles gets divorced and remarries. Princess Anne gets divorced and remarries. Prince Andrew gets divorced and his ex is caught influence peddling.

Clearly the franchise is dying. I realize many of my British brethren are emotionally attached to the Royal Family and may not be able to see the situation clearly. Fortunately, as an American, I am able to observe the Queen’s brood with detachment and arrive at an objective diagnosis: as a government supported entity, the Royal Family does not benefit from the creative destruction of the marketplace. My solution: privatize the Royals. Let them compete on a level playing field with other entertainment enterprises. They will either have to gain market share or close shop. They could learn a great deal about this from the Disney Corporation.

Walt Disney’s first full-length feature, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, premiered in Los Angeles on December 21, 1937 – the same year George VI became King. While the Windsors foundered, Disney grew to a $38 billion a year media behemoth, with operations all over the world. Disney had its ups and downs, but competition forced it to reinvent itself constantly. The Queen would do well to copy some of Disney’s successes:

Theme parks – who wouldn’t stand in line to board Buck House – the Ride?

Merchandising – Souvenir stands all over London sell Royal Family products, but the Windsors don’t make a farthing from the Queen’s Jubilee commemorative plates, Beefeater plush toys, and Prince Phillip action figures with Kung Fu grip. It’s time for the Queen to protect her intellectual property, prosecute the manufacturers of knockoffs, and promote the Windsor brand exclusively through her own chain of shoppes.

New plotlines – The Royal Family needs to break this boring cycle of marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce. Perhaps, for a change, Prince Harry could rub an old teapot, a genie pops out, and high jinks ensue. Or how’s this for a plot twist? Camilla Parker-Bowles is actually a mermaid.

These are just a few examples of the creative genius that would be unleashed, if only the British people cut the House of Windsor loose from the safe harbor of public subsidy, and set it free on the open seas of the market economy.