They Could be Desperate

During a “Moving America Forward” rally in Philadelphia last weekend, President Obama warned supporters that dark forces are seeking to “hijack” our democracy. “Thanks to a Supreme Court decision called Citizens United,” he said, Republicans “are being helped along this year by special interest groups that are spending unlimited amounts of money on attack ads… attacking folks like [Democrat Senate Candidate] Joe Sestak…without ever disclosing who’s behind all these attack ads. You don’t know. It could be the oil industry. It could be the insurance industry. It could even be foreign-owned corporations.”

Observe that the President did not actually say foreign influence was behind the ads. Merely that it “could be”. Indeed the White House later admitted that it had no evidence that scheming foreign devils were corrupting our system.

The Democratic National Committee followed up the President’s speech by naming names. “It appears,” according to a DNC ad, that the villains at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce “even take in secret foreign money to influence our elections.” When skeptical Face the Nation host Bob Shieffer asked White House advisor David Axelrod for evidence, Mr. Axelrod replied, “Do you have any evidence that it’s not?” Mr. Axelrod explained that this subversion of the nation was made possible by a “loophole” in the law (that loophole, Mr. Axelrod, is called the First Amendment).

But the Democrats do seem to be hurting ahead of next month’s elections (latest RealClearPolitics prediction: the GOP will pick up at least 33 seats in the House and 5 seats in the Senate). Being a great humanitarian, I decided to help the Dems out by offerings some suggestions for other attacks along similar lines:

For example, it could be that Shriners are actually aliens from Mars. Do you have any evidence that they aren't? Sure, they seem like harmless, Republican-leaning, small town boosters, scooting along the parade route in their tiny cars and fez hats, but the cars are really spaceships and the hats cover up their antennas. They could even belong to the Chamber of Commerce.

Conservative Talk Show Host Rush Limbaugh could have been the chief prosecutor in the 1692-93 Salem Witch Trials. In addition, he could have provided the rope used to hang six condemned witches, rope purchased with funds obtained from secret foreign donors. Do you have any evidence that he didn’t?

Speaking of the dark arts, Delaware GOP Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell could still be spending date night practicing Wicca on a blood-stained Satanic altar (Oh, wait, they already used that one).

Nevada GOP Senate Candidate Sharron Angle could be the manufacturer of a non-flouridated (“safe from socialism”) juice product which induces insanity and Second Amendment fever in the drinker (Oh, wait, they used that one too).

I’m not really fond of this sort of negative campaigning, but fortunately the technique can also be applied to create positive, uplifting messages about the Democratic Party’s own members:

In 2002, President George W. Bush choked on a pretzel and passed out while watching football at the White House. The reason he is alive today could be that then House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi saved his life by performing an emergency tracheotomy using an exacto knife and four inches of electrical conduit. Do you have any proof that she didn’t?

Mild-mannered Congressman Barney Frank could be in reality the caped superhero Mighty Mouth. Do you have any proof that he isn't? Exchanging his rumpled suit for rumpled tights, Mighty Mouth uses his powers of talking funny to fight for liberty and mortgages for all.

Democratic Senate Candidate Richard Blumenthal, upon returning from grueling combat in Vietnam, could have single-handedly created 16 bazillion jobs in the state of Connecticut by suing people (Oh, wait, they already used that one).

As a student at Harvard, future Vice President Al Gore was the model for Love Story before going on to invent the Internet (Oh, wait…)

Obviously I’m having difficulty coming up with original ideas to help the Democrats. No matter how silly my arguments, they don't top the ones the Dems are already using.